Dearest Comrades!
My father was a wise man. He often bestowed bits of philosophy that remain present in my mind to this day. He said, "Don't trust anyone! Not even yourself. This world is a festering hole of shit. Remember that time you gave that mechanic 500 dollars up front to overhaul your engine, and he disappeared, you called him for weeks, and you never heard from him again? You see that confirms my philosophy. Especially the part about don't trust yourself! I can't believe you would do such a stupid thing. Money up front! Or what about when you gave that guy with the bible on the dashboard of his volkswagon Jetta $1000 up front to paint your house, and he did the same thing! He drove off and went to the Red Parrot to watch the naked ladies dance on stage to "Sweet child o' mine" I know because he bought me a drink. Don't trust yourself, son, especially not yourself!"As you can imagine, this conversation left my mind in a tailspin. That is until I came upon a trashcan in the distance. There was nothing extraordinary about it, I watched it the entire time as I passed, suddenly, I noticed two eyes looking out. It was a head resting peacefully in a trashcan. Before I could escape I heard a calm voice calling from behind me. "Do you want to live?" I looked back, but found nothing but the trashcan.
Ahem! I heard the voice call. He repeated the question. When I answered he responded: Nothingness! I didn't see how this could get my money back from the mechanic, nor how it would get the guy with the bible on his dashboard to paint my house. I did not! The head's name was Wilhelm, and he spoke, "Ask for it." Wilhelm was somber as the words came slowly from his mouth. As if he knew what I would say before I could. I can't ask the mechanic I said leaning over the trashcan to catch a better glimpse of the head. "Then do not ask the Mechanic." But the Guy with the Bible on the dashboard of his Jetta is nowhere to be found. 
"Then do not ask the Guy with the Bible on the Dashboard of his Jetta." This was when Wilhelm revealed the truth. Everything is nothingness, he told me. You must start off by hanging out around a hospital. Approach the first person you see that is smoking. If you have a cell phone, speak on it until you are close enough so that the other person can hear you. Then hang up and ask them for a cigarette. Tell them you do not smoke. Not usually. Then start off by saying you're from Morgantown. City people are not always from the city, and one of their ancestors may have been from a small town such as that. It creates a bridge to catharsis. When Wilhelm said catharsis his eyes doubled in size. He may have said CATHARSIS! It is the key to money. You also have to tell them you have a job, a good union job. If you're a guy you're a professor or a flight attendant if you're a female. Then go on. 
You see my daughter has to get a heart transplant done, and I just got in to visit her. Unfortunately I parked in _____(insert name of dangerous neighborhood here) and they broke into my car and stole my wallet. I had no idea. But the worst part is that they stole the copies of her CT scan and I need to drive back home to get the others. Can I borrow $45 to get some diesel fuel so that I may drive home? Offer to take down their number so that you may call them later in order to return the money. Give them your number in turn. People want to help, and they think that a phone number can be traced. The wise Wilhelm carried on. To be honest I made five hundred back in a few short weeks. One day, comrades, I will buy a car of my own. I returned weeks later to thank the illustrious Whilhelm. Alas! He was nowhere to be found.
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